To
be fair, it wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be. I was greatly aided
by the pushing up of two workshops to the week I returned, keeping me busy.
But, eishe, over the last couple of days in Cape Town I was dreading going back
to site in a very strange flurry of being incredibly happy and sad at the same
time.
Don’t
get me wrong; I really do love my village. It’s adorable, I feel like a part of
the community, and I am doing a fair amount of good work. I recognize how lucky
I am to have all of these things in a Peace Corps experience. But the thing is,
it was so easy to be happy in Cape Town. Here, you have to work at it. You have
to find joy in small things- and even though there are lots of small things to
find joy in it still requires a conscious effort. Getting onto my usual bus in
Maun and the bus conductor greeting you by name and a mosadi magolo excitedly
greeting you in Thimukushu can make your day (and it did for me on the return
trip). It really is wonderful feeling like I am a part of this community.
I
recognize that happiness coming easy, all of the time, isn’t true for anywhere.
And that any vacation isn’t like day to day life, obviously it is going to be
easier to be happy. But what I realized I was missing so acutely was much
broader than what I realized day to day: the lifestyle. I miss being able to go
to dinner with friends, and then go home. I miss any type of food whenever I
want it. I miss hot showers. I miss drinking craft beer while listening to live
music. And while these things are replaced with coloring with my neighborhood
kids or boating on the delta, spending time in Cape Town, with all of these things
easily in reach, evoked a feeling of homesickness that I hadn’t yet
experienced.
Moreover,
the trip was a wakeup call for parts of me that have been lost in the shuffle
of this experience; parts that I really don’t want to lose. Somehow, I have
become complacent here…. I’ve become okay with spending hours of a weekend at
site watching too many episodes of something, or expecting and accepting
mediocre work from not just others but myself. I think, well, I knew I would
have to lower my expectations about how projects turn out; plus, I am happier
than many other volunteers because at least I’m doing something… but really, I know my counterparts and I could have done
better. And that’s just not how it’s going to be anymore.
Cape
Town also pointed out through some of my interactions with perfectly kind
people that I have become far too skeptical and now assume the worst from
others. I’ve always been a “people are inherently good’ type of person, but
I’ve fallen prey to a common PCV shortfall of cynicism. So what if there are
some less-than-stellar people out there who continue to call me lekgoa and ask
for money for cigarettes every time I see them? For every one person that
drives me up the wall, I have met four who have gone out of their way to help
me or happily try to get past my poor Setswana and befriend me. I’ve met far
too many jaded volunteers, and that is just a category I refuse to fall into.
So,
since returning, I have been make an effort to makes some changes and avoid the
post vacation blues. It hasn’t been perfect; I will admit to a day of watching
far too much tv and as well as some planning and delivery in the workshops that
I certainly didn’t give 100%. But, I
have been much more patient with the kids (and adults) in my neighborhood
asking for things, have a better attitude about people in general, and spoke up
to various counterparts about not just letting an event simply happen but rather preparing far enough
in advance. Transitioning into 2013 seems like a perfect opportunity to make,
and keep, these much needed New Year’s resolutions; well that, and exercising
more J
